Dempsey on the Jersey Shore

I’m a big fan of the television show “Jersey Shore” on MTV (but Smallville is still my No. 1).  Some of the things that those guys did and said were unbelievable.  For example, DJ Pauly D. put charcoal on a gas grill and almost burned the house down as a result.  Is it possible to be that unfamiliar with the difference between a gas grill and a charcoal grill?  Oh, and a line that is equally hysterical, courtesy of DJ Pauly D was, “Pink eye is very contagious, I heard. I don’t know much about it, but I heard you can catch it just from the air.”  There are numerous other moments and quotes like that from other members of the show that I’m not going to get into right now.  That’s not the purpose of my column this week.  For some reason I got to thinking about if there are “Jersey Shore” parallels in the sports world and I think I managed to come up with a pretty good list…

Let’s get things started.  First we start with Angelina.  Now this was a toughie to find a parallel for.  Angelina got fired from her job and as a result left the show after the second episode.  But, Angelina is the self-proclaimed Kim Kardashian of the Jersey Shore because she is “all-natural baby, and have a great ass.  Look at me!” and she is “a bartender, I do great things.  I don’t need to do anything I don’t want to do.  This job is beneath me.”  After a lot of research, the best parallel to Angelina in the sports world that I could come up with was Agnes Iori-Robertson.  Who is that, you ask?  Well, according to the National Italian American Sports Hall of Fame web site, Agnes was a women’s basketball pioneer in the roaring twenties, she never scored a single point…a pretty good parallel to Angelina if you ask me.

Next up we have Jenni “J-Woww.”  Jenni is famous for describing herself as being “like a praying mantis because after I have sex with a guy I’ll rip their head off.”  So, the immediate parallel to Jenni that came to mind was John Calipari because he has managed to eat the heads of countless UMass, Nets, and Memphis fans and has left a large swath of destruction in the wake of his path to Kentucky and I believe that there will be similar results and fear for everybody’s favorite Wildcat, Ashley Judd.  It will be great to see her on T.V. next month cheering on her alma mater, but I will hate to see her have her heart broken by Johnny C. in the near future.  But, there is one obvious flaw to this parallel, the genders don’t match.  So, after some further research and thought, I found a better sporting world parallel to J-Woww.  As well as being a praying mantis, J-Woww was a brawler and so I found a brawler and her name is Mary Lou Palermo, who was a roller derby all-star as well as a member of the National Italian American Sports Hall of Fame.

That brings me to the guy that everyone should know and love by now…Mike “The Situation.”  He holds the record for the dumbest things I have ever heard come out of one person’s mouth, so the great Yogi Berra was the sports parallel that immediately came to mind for me.  But, because “The Situation” looks like a real live Rambo with his shirt off and is a complete mush mouth I decided that the better sports world parallel to “The Situation” is the one and the only, the Incredible Hulk himself…Lou Ferrigno.  I think that is a perfect sports world parallel for “The Situation.”

Now for the girl we all know and love…Nicole “Snookie.”  I thought that finding a sports world parallel for “Snookie” was going to be hard, but surprisingly it wasn’t.  A lot of my research was done on the National Italian American Sports Hall of Fame web site.  As a matter of fact, all of my research was done on their web site.  So, the first thing I saw on the home page was a video (that you can watch for yourself if you like by clicking on this link) with none other than Mary Lou Retton welcoming you to the National Italian American Sports Hall of Fame.  I said to myself immediately that I had found my sports world parallel to “Snookie” at that very moment.  I mean it doesn’t get any better than that.  I never realized that sweet Mary Lou was a guidette, but she is a perfect parallel to “Snookie” since they are both about 4 feet tall and like to do cartwheels and somersaults.

DJ Pauly D is Rhode Island’s most well known DJ and keeps a tanning bed in his house.  Finding a sports world parallel for him was hard until I discovered Alex Delvecchio who was a consummate team player whose skill and affability marked a 24-year NHL career.  Not only does the description of Alex match how I would describe Pauly D, but Pauly’s last name is Delvecchio as well.  What a great match!

The list of parallels seemed never ending when it came to Ronnie because there are countless numbers of Italian-American boxing champions.  But the best one that fits a parallel to Ronnie was best known as the “Raging Bull” Jake LaMotta.  LaMotta like Ronnie was a short little runt and learned how to box while doing a short bit in the Graybar hotel (that is jail to those who are wondering).  Ronnie got into a couple of fights at the Jersey Shore and had to do a little time in the clink just like Jake did.  So that has to be the best sports world parallel to Ronnie.

So, now we come to Sammi “Sweetheart.”  Since she was banging Ronnie all summer long at the Jersey Shore and was there for most of the fights that he got into, the only possible sports world parallel to her is the world famous Lou Duva.  I know that Lou is a guy, but that is the best parallel because he is a hall of fame boxing trainer and corner guy.  He is the best parallel and that is that about that.

Finally, last but not least, we have Vinny.  The sports world parallel to Vinny has to be Mike Eruzione.  Mike Eruzione scored the game winning goal for Team USA against the Russians in the 1980 Winter Olympics.  I feel like this is Vinny’s parallel because Vinny hooked-up with his boss’ girl!  Do you believe in Miracles!